so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
