I think I won the penis lottery.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize