seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
