just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
