omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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