I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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