Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
