saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just gift wrapped bread.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
