please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize