proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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