My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
