If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
