I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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