I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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