so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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