I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
