My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize