I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
