It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
