Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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