I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
