forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
