Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
