I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
