i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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