Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
