put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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