You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
"it" just moved
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
