Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
