I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i think my cat just said my name.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I need a beard to bite.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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