dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
