it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
