two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
