Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
