Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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