we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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