I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
