I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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