One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize