Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
