So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
