you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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