Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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