We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
