I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
