I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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