Everything about him screamed your future.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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