i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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