Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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