I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
