you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
