i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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