Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I will die if light touches me.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize