I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
