Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
