It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
