im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
