I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize