What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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