I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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