Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
