A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
