i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
