he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
