So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
