I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Randomize
