great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
