The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Someone shit on the floor
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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