If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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