I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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